The Covid Years
This is a reprint from my blog Dec 2022
“The lockdowns came, the routine was broken the world became strange and unfamiliar”
It’s been about a year and a half since I posted an article. When I started doing a blog I was determined to keep it fresh with a constant flow of new articles but alas the best intentions at times fall short! When I first stopped posting articles people would ask me when my next article was coming out and I would tell them “I hope soon” but it didn’t happen and eventually people stopped asking. That’s what happens when expectations are not met, the expectations go away and then soon are forgotten completely. Now I will give my excuses….
In the beginning of 2020 life was relatively smooth as things are when we’re in a comfortable routine but one Friday in March I picked the kids up from school and unknown to us at that time they would not be back to school until September. Things got hard in 2020. The lockdowns came, the routine was broken, the world became strange and unfamiliar. Going out to eat, or to the grocery store, or traveling was something to be dreaded. Every place you went had different rules, “you can’t stand there, stand here, do this, do that, businesses had signs posted “don’t come in here!” Gyms closed, churches closed, nothing was the same. We were told to stay at home and not go outside, get your food at fast food drive-thrus, don’t talk to people, don’t get together. Wear a mask everywhere you go.
Masks were especially difficult for me, I always battled anxiety while wearing one. Even worse, when other people cover their face with a mask I don’t connect. There’s something about looking at a person’s face that helps me connect with that person, when the face is covered that connection becomes impossible. I don’t know if that’s unique to me or if that’s true for others as well but it created a feeling of isolation for me.
Sometime in 2020 I had to make a trip to Kentucky and when I crossed the North Carolina-Tennessee state line on the interstate there was a large flashing sign with the words “GO HOME AND STAY HOME!” The sign gave me a strange feeling as if I were an alien in a strange and unwelcoming world.
A dark fog seemed to settle over the land, a fog called “the new normal” A new normal of fear, suspicion of neighbors, anxiety for the future. The news had never-ending tales of impending death and ruin that lay ahead for all of us. Social media became bitter, toxic, and angry, people wishing death and destruction on their fellow humans that they disagreed with.
Slowly 2020 dragged on and everyone looked forward to 2021. Surely with the new year things would be better and life would become normal again!
Unfortunately the hope of better things ahead for 2021 were soon dashed. If anything the new year became even more chaotic and divisive. The world was strange and different.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that it wasn’t just the outside world that was getting dark but there was also a dark fog settling over my spirit. The light, the energy and desire to live which is so important to our mental and physical health slowly faded away. Perhaps strangest of all I didn’t even realize that it was happening.
I lost my desire to do anything, I just got up each day, took care of the kids, did the housework, cooked food, worked in my home office, got in the truck and drove to the Post Office and the drive-thru at the bank then back home. The gym reopened but I didn’t go much, my discipline was broken, I had no motivation, no energy, just a weary routine, day after day. And we stayed home. The children stayed home for weeks at a time. No getting together with their friends or going on vacation.
In August of 2021 I had my annual physical at the doctor and he strongly encouraged me to get the Covid vaccine. At that point I didn’t feel overly strong and healthy, my routine had been disrupted to the point I had pretty much stopped going to the gym and my diet was poor. It seemed impossible to know for sure from all the conflicting information that was available but I eventually decided to go ahead and get vaccinated. In October I got my first Moderna shot, four weeks later as recommended I got the second one. I went through 2020 and 2021 without getting Covid but six weeks after my second shot I got it! The first week in January 2022 I got Covid. It wasn’t too bad, about two weeks of mild flu symptoms and then it went away but the weakness and tiredness persisted for another four months and that black fog of depression that had been settling over me became more severe.
I have dealt with occasional mild depression since 2014 after having my gall bladder removed but this became much worse. And the weird thing of it was I didn’t even realize I was depressed, oh I knew I didn’t feel normal but it wasn’t what you might think of when you think of depression, not so much deep feelings of despair, but more of a constant weariness, unable to sleep at night, getting up in the morning tired and dreading the day. Indifferent to anything that in the past I would have enjoyed, just a weary existence of getting through each day and then hitting the bed with a sigh of relief at night. A hopelessness, a feeling like there’s nothing to look forward to, even an indifference to life or death, or living or dying, not a wish to die, just an indifference. Nothing matters.
I didn’t feel like going on vacations, didn’t go fishing, didn’t go hiking, didn’t even go to the gym which is usually my daily refuge and escape from the stress of life. I just dragged myself through my work, then sat on the couch, occasionally I found the energy to go to the rec center and walk.
The months dragged on, until August 2022 and again time for my annual doctor’s visit. The doctor told me I was exhibiting symptoms of depression, “well yes, I’m aware of that” I said. He asked me how long I have dealt with it and I told him off and on for about eight years but it has gotten a good bit worse in the last year or so. He offered that he could give me a prescription for some medication that might help and at that point I was feeling low enough that I eagerly accepted. “The side effects should be minimal and should help you to feel better” he said. His instructions were to take it for three months and then report back to him to see how it’s working.
When I left the doctor’s office I felt something that I hadn’t felt for a long time “I felt hope”, hope that finally maybe I would be able to get over this rut that I was in and feel like living again. I took the medication for two months but I did not like some of the side effects so I stopped taking it. I never informed the doctor, I just stopped. One day I decided the side effects are too much and I quit “cold turkey” just like that.
But a strange thing happened that day when I walked out of the doctor’s office I felt a little bit of hope. You know I think sometimes we reach points in our life where we have to make a choice, kind of like an eagle that goes through a molting phase where they almost die, and sometimes they do die during that process but at their lowest they have to make a choice to either lay down their head and die or stand up despite their weakness, lift their head toward the sun, stretch their wings and start living again. We too, like the eagles, sometimes hit low points in our life where we have to choose whether we just give up and start slowly fading away or we put a stake down and say from here, from this day forward, I will start living again!
When I left the doctor’s office I knew I needed to shake things up in my life and get a fresh start to get my spirit and energy back. As I drove away from the doctor’s office with my prescription I knew that probably wasn’t the answer but I knew I was ready to start living, I drove straight to the gym “Core 24” that was closest to my house and walked in and signed up for a year. Then I started researching supplements that I could take to give me more energy and build my body back. I had also fallen pretty far away from a healthy diet so I knew I needed to address that. I started macro counting to help with the discipline of eating properly and in the proper amounts. I found out I wasn’t eating enough which no doubt contributed to my sluggishness and tiredness.
The day after my doctor’s visit I went to the gym and started my journey back to fitness. I knew in my heart that working out and getting that daily exercise was going to be a vital part of my journey back to wellness. In the past my daily workouts at the gym have been a lifeline, especially during difficult and stressful times and this time would be no different. Every morning I got up at 5:00 am and went to the gym and for 2 months I never missed a day because I was afraid if I missed a day I would stop going. It’s now been four months and I’ve only missed a handful of days and that was when I was out of town. What had seemed like a huge mountain to get over slowly faded away and four months later I feel like I have conquered that mountain. I look forward to going every morning and I’m feeling stronger and healthier and more energetic and best of all the dark fog is slowly lifting.
I’m not sure whether it’s the physical activity, the improved diet, or the supplements I’m taking, probably it’s a combination of the three but the heavy black cloud is lifting and like an eagle recovering from its molting phase I’m ready to spread my wings and fly again.
Why am I writing this? I don’t want to write this and put it out in public, I’m by nature a private person, I don’t want to expose my personal affairs for everyone to see but when I think of how hard these past three years have been for so many and how drastically it affected me, a healthy, middle-aged person I think there are probably many others like me out there that are still struggling to find their way back to normal.
If this is you, if that dark fog has settled over you, I hope you make the decision to start living again and not spend the rest of your life slowly fading away. Perhaps the way out for you will be different than it was for me, perhaps different things caused your depression, and you will find other things that help. It looks so hard, it seems like an impossible mountain to climb. That comfortable spot on the couch and the days spent locked in your bedroom can seem so comfortable, so familiar and so appealing but it is a slow death and if you ever want to live again you will need to rise up and put in the work to get your life back. It won’t be easy but someday you’ll look back and know that it was worth it.
I’d like to say that your friends, family, and neighbors will help you but they probably won’t because they probably don’t even know about your struggles, or if they do they don’t know the depths and besides they’re consumed with their own issues they’re struggling with. At the end of the day it’s up to each one of us as individuals to make of our life what we will. Life can be beautiful and awesome or it can be dark and dreary, it’s up to us, it’s up to you and it’s up to me.
Here are some keys that I think help conquer depression. No, it’s not a magic formula but like building blocks, use them to build your life.
Healthy food
Drink water
Adequate sleep
Exercise
Sun
Relationships
Gratitude
Purpose